Ugh
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*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating