Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
You Might Also Like
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Don’t touch that.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.