I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
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tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.