*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
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2022 be like
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”