[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
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I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.