What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
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My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Always a housemaid, never a house.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox