[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
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Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Just as the prophecy foretold
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
Time for evil
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA: