The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
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They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Mmmm. Shoeshi
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
I’m good, thanks.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.