Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
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According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
can you read it!!??
maan!
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.