Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
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Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Nice try, NASA
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
☺️
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off