Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
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“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
I am also baked goods
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Harsh but fair
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!