Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
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Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
How high do the levels go?
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
This is my pinned tweet
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.