I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
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Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.