Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
You Might Also Like
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying