Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
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I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
*skinny dips into black hole
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.