If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
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Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?