[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
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Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Just how popey was the pope today?
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.