Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
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“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.