Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
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Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
Real House Wines.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time