Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
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Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
ok this is my dumbest yet
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws