I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
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My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
I am laughing way too hard at this.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
Life is a suicide mission.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go