me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
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Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
hear me out : pockets for your socks
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”