You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
You Might Also Like
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
“i am a sweet baby”
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea