Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
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In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
True
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.