*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
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If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
My work here is don’t.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.