I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
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Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.