starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
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Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi