(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
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“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Ok who’s got my black socks?
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
You know…for fall…
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.