hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
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[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.