INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
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Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
Childbirth is so beautiful
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]