[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
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No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*