Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
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Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.