Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
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Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
live, laugh, laundry.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
Ken is short for chicken
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe