*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
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Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
Tremendous stuff
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.