me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
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I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”