Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
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Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol