“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
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One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
I need to get some bricks…
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight