the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
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[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here