There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
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[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Midwest trash talk
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
so i’m at the stock market right
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
When the stylist spins you back around
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
Knock Knock
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!