(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
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#growingpains
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.