Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
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I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Lol.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat