(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
You Might Also Like
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.