When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
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this has to be peak English
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”