The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
You Might Also Like
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
$4 #usedbooks
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.