My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
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It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Admin smashed it 😂
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit