Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
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how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary