Go girl power!
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Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
“I’m helping” 😅
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely