me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
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Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
i like to flex on them by shrugging
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom