Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
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billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.