Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
You Might Also Like
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn鈥檛 bring my food out with everyone else鈥檚, fair warning – imma cry
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Y鈥檃ll even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
My husband said let鈥檚 cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I鈥檓 not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn鈥檛 exploded honest.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
馃
where did they come from?
where did they go????
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.